{ Easter Contest }

Please see {CONTESTS and GIVEAWAYS } tab on the home screen.

IT'S CONTEST TIME!!!!!!!!

Submit your worst screaming kid (or cutest kid) Easter Bunny photos for a chance to win a free mini-shoot and all that goes with it. Email attachments to zoeyphotography@hotmail.com. 

Easter Bunny + terrified kids = my favorite contest of the year!

Anything Easter-y. No bunny needed. Screaming kid with Easter Basket? Duh. 

{ 10 Quasi-Secrets for Taking Pro Photos Yourself }

{ Introduction } Kinda.

Relating mostly for taking decent photos of your child, this little list introduces the top things to consider to make your at-home photo-taking life easier.  The goal is to capture emotion rather than making Kiddo sit and screech "CHEEEEESE!" then run off continuing to screech "NOOOOOO!".

 This is a 3-year-old child running around and playing. No posing or bribing is necessary. But don't worry, I haven't met one young child yet that didn't throw a fit at some point. This image was taken between fits.

{ How to Shoot Better }

1.) Think like a 4-year-old. This works on Grandma and that one perpetually ticked-off uncle too.

Instead of saying "cheese" (if kids are involved) I like to have everyone say something ridiculous. Most kids love to get a free pass to yell "farts". They think it's extremely hilarious which, in turn, causes genuine smiles and laughing. Be sure to make what you are doing to seem excruciatingly serious. Get everyone together as you would like them according to balance and what looks good through your lens. Be sure to be serious and make everyone think this is going to be torture. This is crucial. Then slap them with "Okay, everyone... say FARTY POOP FART FART!" Kids go nuts.

2.) Don't Pose.

Dress your kids up. Dress your ticked uncle up. Take everyone to a park and let them run free. You will get the best and most genuine photos you are going to get this way. I pose minimally for groups but almost never for young children.

3.) Use your super zoom lens if you have one.

Often taking pictures of younger kids is like taking pictures of vicious lions in the wild. Letting them alone, staying far back and zooming in on faces is best. You get a better grade of emotion and less of the confused/annoyed look of having someone all up in their face.

4.) Avoid  Mid-day.

If you are going outside, go very early after sunrise or just before sunset. Otherwise, you will get squints and a nose shadow.

5.) Don't Shoot Up.

The nose. Don't shoot up the nose. Not drugs. Nose. Kids are always looking up with head tilted back.

Which brings us to...

6.) Get on their level.

Get down on the ground, or if subjects are tall bring a stool. No up the nose shots.

7.) Chin Over the Shoulder Technique

If your subject is worried about their chin being saggy have them point a shoulder towards the camera and turn their face slightly over the shoulder so you aren't shooting them head-on. This one isn't for kids. It's more for Grandma.

8.) Don't Bribe.

Do NOT bribe your kids before you start taking their photos. All they will think about is ice cream and give you misery.

9.) Bounce the Light.

With your external flash point it backwards or sideways to bounce the light off the wall. Or even up to bounce off the ceiling. Anything but straight on, blinding people and creating shadows.

10.) Learn to Set Manual. Learn to Turn Off the Flash.

Setting your camera (DSLR) on manual makes all the difference. Using auto will generally give you what you have now... weird colors, washed out faces.

Try not to use the built in flash. Have bright lighting and avoid the built-in flash all together. Turn it off. You can find this information in your manual. You can turn the flash off on a point and shoot but I don't think you can set a point and shoot to manual. When you do turn the flash off on either camera (DSLR [the big fancy cameras] or Point and Shoot [like a Sony Cybershot]) make sure there is either good lighting or your subject can remain pretty still (or both) if you are at a VeggieTales concert indoors, for example.

Email any questions to zoeyphotography@hotmail.com with the subject: photo question and we will be happy to answer them under the { Ask the Photographer } tab on the blog.


                           

{When I'm Murdered, Don't Say My Smile Lit Up the Room}

This has nothing to do with photography. It's my blog. So, I'm blogging. I could make this about photography. Let's see... ya better get pictures done before the Chinese Mafia gets you for no apparent reason. Welcome to the 21st Century.

After studying Dateline and just about every other crime show on the planet --I have learned the secrets to  exactly what will make anyone (especially the ladies, holla!) a target for being snatched up and dumped in a lake. Gruesome? You betcha. Let's find out how to NOT be the topic of a 20/20 special by delving into the typical actions of a homicide victim according to Forensic Files.

{For all you girls out there}

1.) If anyone has ever says that your smile lights up the room... you're dead.

The first thing any survivor say of a victim on TV is this: "Oh, Betty was just the sweetest. Her smile could light up a room!"

There are plenty of other things to say about Victim, but everyone goes for the smile. I am proud to say NO ONE will ever say my smile lit up any rooms. And if they do, that's a full-blown lie and the Dateline producers made my loved ones say it because that's what the audience wants to hear. So, if you walk into a party and someone says you are lighting it up with your teeth... hire a personal bodyguard.

Survivors also say this about the most strung-out, crack-ho whose backstory is that she ditched her kids, robbed a bank, helped cover up a triple homicide for her boyfriend and ran off to Vegas to be a bigger crack-ho. "Twilight Sparkle's (I don't know what would be a good hooker name, so here is a My Little Pony name) smile just lit up the crack house. You go in 'dere all sad an' poop (please insert curse word here that is like poop but rhymes with "plit"[made up word]) about yo pimp and she be smilin' and you whole world jus' turn around. She was like dat. Always smilin'. Just lighting the meth lab up wit dat smile."

Which brings us to...

2.) You are a crack-ho.

Hookers are one of the top genre of people to get all homicided (not a word) on. Obviously. They run a risky life making the early Dirt Nap almost inevitable.

I just typed "crackhead" in search. First photo. Yikes.

3.) You are not a crack-ho.

Are you in college? A chick? Book-smart? Start planning funeral arrangements. Almost all murder shows report on the happy, smart gal who has so much ahead of her. Don't even think of working on your Doctorate. According to the ID Channel, people who spend their whole lives in school are the first to go.

Even your loan officer knows you don't have long.

                                                       
4.) You love to jog.

Jogging is fun. Right? Not unless you are packing heat or a weenie (that's male genitalia in my world). There are so many joggers gone missing that even stepping foot out of the house and THINKING about jogging makes me jog right back inside and hide under the bed. I think walking is fine. I don't hear much about power-walkers getting whacked. Or roller bladers. Bring back the roller blade, people! I want to roller blade without looking like a bigger dufus than usual!

5.) You keep a diary/journal.

Don't. You can have one of those journals that, like, says the weather and how much milk costs these days but nothing deep. 95% (I made that statistic up) of victims kept a damn diary and then Keith Morrison reads it on-air. Sometimes it gives insight on who the perpetrator could be, but mostly Keith says that Victim kept a diary, reads some embarrassing summarized entry and that's the end of that. Diaries = Embarrassing Eulogy Pulled from Embarrassing Poem Written During a Break-up.

                                                 "Dear Diary, Mario broke up with me gotta go jogging. TTYL."

6.) You have that one weird friend.

That one girl-friend that gets all jealous and creepy if you talk to other friends is just itching to kill you. Jealous and psychotic ex-boyfriends are a given. I'm focusing on jealous and psychotic girl-friends that you may not realize are jealous and psychotic. They usually call a lot, follow you around, show up at your house at night aaaallll the time and eventually stalk you (according to unofficial data collected by me).

Unfortunately, if you are already involved with one of these people you better move away and pray they don't surprise you by renting an apartment next to yours in your new town. Better yet, find them a new idol to latch onto. Someone you hate. You may have to be nice to this person you hate for a while to introduce your psycho friend to, but it's worth it.

                 90210: Kelly's friend who decided that if she can't have Kelly all to herself for sleepovers and Nicholas Sparks movie marathons... no one can.
                                                                            See? That's some real-life business right there.

7.) You work at a comic book store.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

                                                       Probably because you are busy doing this stupid crap.

8.) You prefer to be quiet.

Okay, so you're at Target and you just want to shop for new acne wash in peace. You don't really want to talk to anyone and you're in the zone. The acne-wash zone. Scrubbing beads or foaming? Citrus fresh or fragrance-free? So many choices. Will this dry out my skin? Maybe I'll just get one of those face scrubby brush things.

Alright, see that? You are so wrapped up in innocent pondering that you don't notice Creeper walking by you constantly. (Or in back of you while you read this. It's okay, take a look around. I'll wait.)
If you see a person more than once doing pretty much nothing but looking at something in an aisle across from you and isn't really shopping for anything, you have a Creeper. We should all be safe to consider which shampoo smells the best, but cover your butt by doing this first:

Say hello (loudly and quasi-unstably so just about everyone thinks you could be insane and not worth the time) to just about anyone around you.

*Example (To Lurker and be sure not to pause): "AHH! Hey! Got a question for ya. Have you ever tried these Cheez Nip things? I don't believe there is actually cheese in them. What do you think? Cheese, no cheese... arsenic? Allllll my friends on Facebook are posting about chemicals in food these days. It's not good for the kids, you know? Well, it's between what's in the food and birthing stories as main posts. So many people have had such crazy birth stories. Think it will rain? I didn't check the news. I'm so glad to have met you. HEY! GUY WHO WORKS AT TARGET! Come over here I have a question. Don't you think my new friend here looks like someone famous? Who is it? (Let Target worker speak.) That's right! He does look like that guy.  Thank you for being such a good listener. Girls really like that in a Creeper."

The object is to be known as a significant presence to those around you and to let them know you are a person, not an object to be all raped and junk.

                                                      Charles Manson thinks birthing stories are awesome. 

Whatever you do, be sure to laugh a lot and loudly. Laugh like a maniac. For no reason.

9.) You are often distracted by trying to get into your car in a parking lot.

Everyone makes this mistake. They try to get into their car in the parking lot. Idiots. You are supposed to be looking around like you are smuggling 3 pounds of cocaine in your rear and a police-dog training camp specializing in drug sniffing is taking place on the hood of your car.

Van parked next to you? Go back inside. Everything they say about Serial Killer vans is true. I think.

                               Tinted windows: Check. Deep freezer on generator inside: Check. And it's at Wal-Mart. Of course it is.

10.) Be the hunter. Not the hunted.

When you are out doodling around, occasionally think like a rapist/homicidal maniac. It's not that hard to do.

--Stand tall. Most Creepers don't strut around like James Bond, but you can. It helps put you in the mindset. Think of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

--Look around. Who would be your target? In this exercise, I like to look for potential murderers and what I would hypothetically do to them vigilante-style.

--How would you get your target out of the public and into your van or wooded area in relation to the location you are currently existing in? Yep. that's probably what your stalker would do too.

--What would you do if your target started screaming "RAPE, AHHH I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN"? In this scenario you have a gun and are pushing Victim into your Serial Killer van. Would you shoot them and have witnesses, a mess and no time to clean up DNA evidence? Or would you let that one go without doing anything, thus diminishing your probability of being arrested?

I never understood why anyone would go with anyone else just because they had a gun pointed at them. I would take my chances with gun shots and possible witnesses over Lord knows what is planned if I walked off quietly with Nutball.

{In Conclusion...}

The key is to be as ready as possible if you are in a squirrelly location and/or your gut is telling you something is up. If you can't tell, most of these listings are silly observations pulled from true crime programming meant to be entertaining (and insightful if you can take me seriously). You aren't more likely to get attacked if you keep a diary. Unless you are writing your hopes and dreams in your diary squatted on a curb in the parking lot of the mall at three in the morning.

{Here is Where we Get Serious} Which doesn't happen often.

I am legitimately concerned for the lack of education for our ladies out there who just kinda bumble around and don't think. Believe me, I was one of them from ages 18-25-ish (and even now, we all slip). 4 a.m. jog? Duh. ATM visit at 10 p.m.? Obviously a good idea. Going to Wal-Mart in he middle of the night? I needed that DVD of Bambi before it went back in the Disney Vault. It was an emergency.

No one is 100% safe from falling anvils no matter how in tuned to your surroundings you are or how much you play it safe or even the extent to which you shelter your kids. Being aware can reduce risk. That's all we can do. Watch out for one another-- take care of ourselves. Don't go hide under a rock. Life isn't about being scared. Life is meant to be a humorous adventure. Let's find the funny in the jacked-up world we live in.  And as a final warning: whatever you do NEVER be the one who lights up a room with their smile.

{More Crucial Information} Actual life-saving article brought to you by real-life rapists.

http://www.venusbuzz.com/archives/23197/the-caring-project-what-rapists-attackers-look-for-in-women/

Share with your daughters. Share with your friends. Share with Grandma. These are fantastic strategies and wonderful ideas!

{Top 10 Preschool Shows That Kill*}

* Brain cells.

I love cartoons. I have always loved cartoons. I would watch Spongebob as my "going to sleep" show, thus, resulting in my asking for Spongebob DVD sets for holidays. It's mindless and uncontroversial -- perfect for passing out to. The sad part is... I was 23 when the habit began.

Now, as a parent, I have been introduced to the worst programming ever. Like, I know this crap is educational and junk, but when I was little I watched the Care Bears, My Little Pony, multiple cartoons about koalas (those animals must have been all the rage somewhere on the planet for the production of TWO shows dedicated to koalas) and Ren and Stimpy because, well, my parents had some sort of sense of humor and thought exposure was necessary. And look at me now! That's a joke. 

Most of those shows were on Nick Jr. or Disney Junior (whatever disney called their small-kids block).

Watching the same programming blocks or channels dedicated now to preschoolers is 95% torture as I'm sure it was for our parents.

Look, I get it. Today's programming is educational to an extent and it's better than violence or the Smurfs. I also am aware that slow moving shows are allegedly supposed to invoke higher concentration where as Spongebob moves too fast and can allegedly cause your child to develop a short attention span and fail their SATs one day. Whatever. 

             Preschool TV: A look into which shows are better for babysitting your kids than Dora. 

                                  {The Worst Programming According to the ZP Blog}

1.) Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

     I thought Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was a compilation of those old cartoons. Nope. It's one of those puzzle shows where you have to interact (or ignore the whole damn thing until the Hotdog Song comes on as we do). Kids love this show. Maybe it's the ADD I developed from watching She-Ra, but I can't stand it. I'll have my kids interact with me while I'm fixing the air handler instead of Mickey. OH TOOTLES! "Honey... now do we need to use the shoes that fit Goofy, a whoopie cushion or this shop-vac to clear out the mold clogging the drip tray pipe? NO, DAMMIT WE DON'T NEED GOOFY SHOES FOR ANYTHING! Here's the shop-vac. When you're done, I'll come in with the bleach." 

2.) Yo Gabba Gabba.

    The only redeeming quality about Yo Gabba Gabba is that the producers slap in some quirky bands and Weird Al every now and again. The party in the tummy BS doesn't work. Carrots never want to go to a chicken nugget tummy party in my house. Ever. Carrots are usually escorted into the party by force of a third party. 

3.) Dora the Explorer.

    I have no idea why this show is so popular. Not even my kid likes it and she likes all the other terrible shows. I learned that bobo means monkey in spanish. I hate bobos. 

4.) Diego.

   Same business.

5.) Super Why.

   This one is geared towards reading. The characters are unlikeable and the theme song sucks. The reading part is ok. But really... should your kid be learning to read from a crappily animated dipstick on roller blades (and I do love rollerblading)? Come on, people. Read to your kid and do all that age appropriate shinola yourself. 

6.) Olivia.

   Olivia is entertaining to me out of all the crap out there, but I think that pig has an attitude. Not that I'm an expert on NOT having one (not an expert at anything, actually) but I don't need some snotty piglet adding to the problem. 

7.) Special Agent Oso.

    

    No. 

8.) Max and Ruby

    Max and Ruby are annoying rabbits that apparently live unsupervised.  Ruby is always trying to do something lame and her little brother, Max, is always jacking-up her plans. Ruby is bossy and lacks a personality. Max screws with her throughout the show. Usually, in the end Max's antics help Ruby's bland approach to whatever activity she is trying to accomplish. The only thing I pull from this show is to not beat the living snot out of your little rabbit-brother on a daily basis and how to care for oneself and a younger, more impressionable rabbit sibling at the age of... I don't know... how old are the rabbits supposed to be? 8? I wasn't allowed to shape my little sister's future at 8 by constantly caring for her. Neither should cartoon bunnies. Nor should it be implied. 

9.) Fireman Sam.

    Oh Lord. There is this one character on the show called Arnold or something and he is a real little brat (I wanna use other words, but I won't). I'm not exact on the point of the show except not to do what Arnold does. I dare you to watch this and NOT dream of getting your hands on Arnold and killing him. I'll give you 20 bucks if your blood pressure isn't raised. The kid's name may not be Arnold, but you will know the little poop as soon as you hear his stupid voice and see his stupid animated face. 

10.) Caillou.

     

     GUH. Caillou is borderline. I dislike Caillou as a character, but the show does go over sharing and not losing your temper with your kid named Caillou. Caillou is a whiner and by the end he learns kind of not to be a whiner about everything. As this kid throws a cartoon tantrum --more than anything it reminds parents not to start looking into dropping your 4-year-old off at the nearest Fire Station accepting children for foster care. I don't know if that's a Florida program or if it's nationwide. I don't know if they take anything but babies, either. Point is, Caillou is a brat and his parents are creepy-calm about his disposition. 

                    {Better Alternatives: The Winners for the ZP Blog Programming Award}

1.) Doc Mcstuffins.

    This show is about a little girl who plays doctor to her stuffed animals. It is cute, motivates my kid to do doctor stuff, has great songs and really, really (if you read between the lines of stuffed animal problems vs. actual problems people deal with) helps a TON when it comes to taking kiddo to the doctor. I was never able to clean out my child's ears without a meltdown.Since Hallie the Hippo had stuffing stuck in her ears and Doc fixed it in an episode, I am now able to flush out kid's ears. 

    They cover everything from hospital stays to panic attacks. #1 in my book. 

2.) Sofia the First.

    Sofia is a new princess because her mom married some king and now she has two step-siblings. The point is to teach (primarily the girls) how to be kind and polite and addresses the girl vs. boy issues as in barriers for what is appropriate for girls (tea parties and sewing) and instating that girls can do what boys do in the activity department (racing flying horses). Except farting and kicking the hell out of each other. Thank God.

3.) Charlie and Lola.

   I don't know. It's creative and pretty cute. Lola is Charlie's little sister and she is a quirky one. This is another show about absent parenting. Charlie does it all, for the most part.
   However, Charlie is like 12 and at that age I WAS able to shape little minds by the neighbors who hired me to babysit so I think this show is ok.

*PERSONAL STORY ALERT*

    I may have lied and said I was 13. If you aren't checking your neighbor kid's credentials before leaving 3 kids with her, you probably aren't that great of a parent anyway. Whatever. 50 bucks later and everyone was alive. One very diarrhea-y 1-year-old on a special diet and special diapers, one spunky little 6-year-old and an 8-year-old boy with some sort of behavioral problem. Now that I think about it... whoa. Was it safer then? It wasn't THAT long ago. Who leaves their 3 kids with a 12-year-old at night and a lot of days? I mean, my parents were across the street and I brought my guard dog with me (this dog was a chow mixed with a pit bull because we were classy people and only very classy people have literal junk-yard dogs) for protection but... come on. If your sitter is bringing her pit bull because she is mildly terrified of intruders, find another sitter. We will cover intruder strategies in another blog post called : When I'm Murdered, Don't say My Smile Lit Up a Room. I'm serious. It's already written.

4.) Team Umizoomi.

    Math related and I am terrible at math. Best to let cartoons cover this one. 

5.) Bubble Guppies

    The mermaid-fish-people do preschool stuff and sing and dance/swim. I don't mind the songs. I may sing the songs. A lot. 

6.) Kipper.

    This dog just kinda does nothing at all. It's quiet. It's calm. And it puts my kid to sleep. Can't ask for anything more. 

Obviously, the worst programming section is not going to be everyone's idea of bad programming. You can save your comments. However, for the most part, many parents will agree. There are plenty of shows that are good and plenty that people hate (like Barney). 

Nothing can replace reading to your kids or planning actual activities. The last thing you want is your kid to think that watching Mickey solve boring problems is the highlight of life. Now, playing with shop-vacs is a real party.

PS: Your babysitter should not be 12 and not carry around a vicious dog. I am no longer 12 or carry around a mauling-machine. 

{I Have One Follower}

Thank you follower! You are my sunshine! I am happy to have you here. And now you can never leave. Just kidding. You can leave, but I would hate to see you go.

{I} have one follower and that makes me happy. I didn't think I would have ANY. I just started this mess of a blog, I don't have anything cool up and all I have to say today is that grocery shopping with two kids makes me want to break down and cry. Especially when one has to pee RIGHT THIS MINUTE halfway down the cereal aisle and that innocent piddle-stop turns into being naked in the Publix bathroom.

So, thank you follower. You made my day, week, month and probably year. I'll remember you forever. The first follower I ever had.

The First Real Post. Kinda.

This is where I promote my blog because I yapped about it on Facebook.

I'm preparing the layout and revamping this mess. If you don't care, I don't blame you.