{Top 10 Preschool Shows That Kill*}

* Brain cells.

I love cartoons. I have always loved cartoons. I would watch Spongebob as my "going to sleep" show, thus, resulting in my asking for Spongebob DVD sets for holidays. It's mindless and uncontroversial -- perfect for passing out to. The sad part is... I was 23 when the habit began.

Now, as a parent, I have been introduced to the worst programming ever. Like, I know this crap is educational and junk, but when I was little I watched the Care Bears, My Little Pony, multiple cartoons about koalas (those animals must have been all the rage somewhere on the planet for the production of TWO shows dedicated to koalas) and Ren and Stimpy because, well, my parents had some sort of sense of humor and thought exposure was necessary. And look at me now! That's a joke. 

Most of those shows were on Nick Jr. or Disney Junior (whatever disney called their small-kids block).

Watching the same programming blocks or channels dedicated now to preschoolers is 95% torture as I'm sure it was for our parents.

Look, I get it. Today's programming is educational to an extent and it's better than violence or the Smurfs. I also am aware that slow moving shows are allegedly supposed to invoke higher concentration where as Spongebob moves too fast and can allegedly cause your child to develop a short attention span and fail their SATs one day. Whatever. 

             Preschool TV: A look into which shows are better for babysitting your kids than Dora. 

                                  {The Worst Programming According to the ZP Blog}

1.) Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

     I thought Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was a compilation of those old cartoons. Nope. It's one of those puzzle shows where you have to interact (or ignore the whole damn thing until the Hotdog Song comes on as we do). Kids love this show. Maybe it's the ADD I developed from watching She-Ra, but I can't stand it. I'll have my kids interact with me while I'm fixing the air handler instead of Mickey. OH TOOTLES! "Honey... now do we need to use the shoes that fit Goofy, a whoopie cushion or this shop-vac to clear out the mold clogging the drip tray pipe? NO, DAMMIT WE DON'T NEED GOOFY SHOES FOR ANYTHING! Here's the shop-vac. When you're done, I'll come in with the bleach." 

2.) Yo Gabba Gabba.

    The only redeeming quality about Yo Gabba Gabba is that the producers slap in some quirky bands and Weird Al every now and again. The party in the tummy BS doesn't work. Carrots never want to go to a chicken nugget tummy party in my house. Ever. Carrots are usually escorted into the party by force of a third party. 

3.) Dora the Explorer.

    I have no idea why this show is so popular. Not even my kid likes it and she likes all the other terrible shows. I learned that bobo means monkey in spanish. I hate bobos. 

4.) Diego.

   Same business.

5.) Super Why.

   This one is geared towards reading. The characters are unlikeable and the theme song sucks. The reading part is ok. But really... should your kid be learning to read from a crappily animated dipstick on roller blades (and I do love rollerblading)? Come on, people. Read to your kid and do all that age appropriate shinola yourself. 

6.) Olivia.

   Olivia is entertaining to me out of all the crap out there, but I think that pig has an attitude. Not that I'm an expert on NOT having one (not an expert at anything, actually) but I don't need some snotty piglet adding to the problem. 

7.) Special Agent Oso.

    

    No. 

8.) Max and Ruby

    Max and Ruby are annoying rabbits that apparently live unsupervised.  Ruby is always trying to do something lame and her little brother, Max, is always jacking-up her plans. Ruby is bossy and lacks a personality. Max screws with her throughout the show. Usually, in the end Max's antics help Ruby's bland approach to whatever activity she is trying to accomplish. The only thing I pull from this show is to not beat the living snot out of your little rabbit-brother on a daily basis and how to care for oneself and a younger, more impressionable rabbit sibling at the age of... I don't know... how old are the rabbits supposed to be? 8? I wasn't allowed to shape my little sister's future at 8 by constantly caring for her. Neither should cartoon bunnies. Nor should it be implied. 

9.) Fireman Sam.

    Oh Lord. There is this one character on the show called Arnold or something and he is a real little brat (I wanna use other words, but I won't). I'm not exact on the point of the show except not to do what Arnold does. I dare you to watch this and NOT dream of getting your hands on Arnold and killing him. I'll give you 20 bucks if your blood pressure isn't raised. The kid's name may not be Arnold, but you will know the little poop as soon as you hear his stupid voice and see his stupid animated face. 

10.) Caillou.

     

     GUH. Caillou is borderline. I dislike Caillou as a character, but the show does go over sharing and not losing your temper with your kid named Caillou. Caillou is a whiner and by the end he learns kind of not to be a whiner about everything. As this kid throws a cartoon tantrum --more than anything it reminds parents not to start looking into dropping your 4-year-old off at the nearest Fire Station accepting children for foster care. I don't know if that's a Florida program or if it's nationwide. I don't know if they take anything but babies, either. Point is, Caillou is a brat and his parents are creepy-calm about his disposition. 

                    {Better Alternatives: The Winners for the ZP Blog Programming Award}

1.) Doc Mcstuffins.

    This show is about a little girl who plays doctor to her stuffed animals. It is cute, motivates my kid to do doctor stuff, has great songs and really, really (if you read between the lines of stuffed animal problems vs. actual problems people deal with) helps a TON when it comes to taking kiddo to the doctor. I was never able to clean out my child's ears without a meltdown.Since Hallie the Hippo had stuffing stuck in her ears and Doc fixed it in an episode, I am now able to flush out kid's ears. 

    They cover everything from hospital stays to panic attacks. #1 in my book. 

2.) Sofia the First.

    Sofia is a new princess because her mom married some king and now she has two step-siblings. The point is to teach (primarily the girls) how to be kind and polite and addresses the girl vs. boy issues as in barriers for what is appropriate for girls (tea parties and sewing) and instating that girls can do what boys do in the activity department (racing flying horses). Except farting and kicking the hell out of each other. Thank God.

3.) Charlie and Lola.

   I don't know. It's creative and pretty cute. Lola is Charlie's little sister and she is a quirky one. This is another show about absent parenting. Charlie does it all, for the most part.
   However, Charlie is like 12 and at that age I WAS able to shape little minds by the neighbors who hired me to babysit so I think this show is ok.

*PERSONAL STORY ALERT*

    I may have lied and said I was 13. If you aren't checking your neighbor kid's credentials before leaving 3 kids with her, you probably aren't that great of a parent anyway. Whatever. 50 bucks later and everyone was alive. One very diarrhea-y 1-year-old on a special diet and special diapers, one spunky little 6-year-old and an 8-year-old boy with some sort of behavioral problem. Now that I think about it... whoa. Was it safer then? It wasn't THAT long ago. Who leaves their 3 kids with a 12-year-old at night and a lot of days? I mean, my parents were across the street and I brought my guard dog with me (this dog was a chow mixed with a pit bull because we were classy people and only very classy people have literal junk-yard dogs) for protection but... come on. If your sitter is bringing her pit bull because she is mildly terrified of intruders, find another sitter. We will cover intruder strategies in another blog post called : When I'm Murdered, Don't say My Smile Lit Up a Room. I'm serious. It's already written.

4.) Team Umizoomi.

    Math related and I am terrible at math. Best to let cartoons cover this one. 

5.) Bubble Guppies

    The mermaid-fish-people do preschool stuff and sing and dance/swim. I don't mind the songs. I may sing the songs. A lot. 

6.) Kipper.

    This dog just kinda does nothing at all. It's quiet. It's calm. And it puts my kid to sleep. Can't ask for anything more. 

Obviously, the worst programming section is not going to be everyone's idea of bad programming. You can save your comments. However, for the most part, many parents will agree. There are plenty of shows that are good and plenty that people hate (like Barney). 

Nothing can replace reading to your kids or planning actual activities. The last thing you want is your kid to think that watching Mickey solve boring problems is the highlight of life. Now, playing with shop-vacs is a real party.

PS: Your babysitter should not be 12 and not carry around a vicious dog. I am no longer 12 or carry around a mauling-machine.