After studying Dateline and just about every other crime show on the planet --I have learned the secrets to exactly what will make anyone (especially the ladies, holla!) a target for being snatched up and dumped in a lake. Gruesome? You betcha. Let's find out how to NOT be the topic of a 20/20 special by delving into the typical actions of a homicide victim according to Forensic Files.
{For all you girls out there}
1.) If anyone has ever says that your smile lights up the room... you're dead.
The first thing any survivor say of a victim on TV is this: "Oh, Betty was just the sweetest. Her smile could light up a room!"
There are plenty of other things to say about Victim, but everyone goes for the smile. I am proud to say NO ONE will ever say my smile lit up any rooms. And if they do, that's a full-blown lie and the Dateline producers made my loved ones say it because that's what the audience wants to hear. So, if you walk into a party and someone says you are lighting it up with your teeth... hire a personal bodyguard.
Survivors also say this about the most strung-out, crack-ho whose backstory is that she ditched her kids, robbed a bank, helped cover up a triple homicide for her boyfriend and ran off to Vegas to be a bigger crack-ho. "Twilight Sparkle's (I don't know what would be a good hooker name, so here is a My Little Pony name) smile just lit up the crack house. You go in 'dere all sad an' poop (please insert curse word here that is like poop but rhymes with "plit"[made up word]) about yo pimp and she be smilin' and you whole world jus' turn around. She was like dat. Always smilin'. Just lighting the meth lab up wit dat smile."
Which brings us to...
2.) You are a crack-ho.
Hookers are one of the top genre of people to get all homicided (not a word) on. Obviously. They run a risky life making the early Dirt Nap almost inevitable.
I just typed "crackhead" in search. First photo. Yikes.
3.) You are not a crack-ho.
Are you in college? A chick? Book-smart? Start planning funeral arrangements. Almost all murder shows report on the happy, smart gal who has so much ahead of her. Don't even think of working on your Doctorate. According to the ID Channel, people who spend their whole lives in school are the first to go.
Even your loan officer knows you don't have long.
4.) You love to jog.
Jogging is fun. Right? Not unless you are packing heat or a weenie (that's male genitalia in my world). There are so many joggers gone missing that even stepping foot out of the house and THINKING about jogging makes me jog right back inside and hide under the bed. I think walking is fine. I don't hear much about power-walkers getting whacked. Or roller bladers. Bring back the roller blade, people! I want to roller blade without looking like a bigger dufus than usual!
5.) You keep a diary/journal.
Don't. You can have one of those journals that, like, says the weather and how much milk costs these days but nothing deep. 95% (I made that statistic up) of victims kept a damn diary and then Keith Morrison reads it on-air. Sometimes it gives insight on who the perpetrator could be, but mostly Keith says that Victim kept a diary, reads some embarrassing summarized entry and that's the end of that. Diaries = Embarrassing Eulogy Pulled from Embarrassing Poem Written During a Break-up.
6.) You have that one weird friend.
That one girl-friend that gets all jealous and creepy if you talk to other friends is just itching to kill you. Jealous and psychotic ex-boyfriends are a given. I'm focusing on jealous and psychotic girl-friends that you may not realize are jealous and psychotic. They usually call a lot, follow you around, show up at your house at night aaaallll the time and eventually stalk you (according to unofficial data collected by me).
Unfortunately, if you are already involved with one of these people you better move away and pray they don't surprise you by renting an apartment next to yours in your new town. Better yet, find them a new idol to latch onto. Someone you hate. You may have to be nice to this person you hate for a while to introduce your psycho friend to, but it's worth it.
See? That's some real-life business right there.
7.) You work at a comic book store.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
8.) You prefer to be quiet.
Okay, so you're at Target and you just want to shop for new acne wash in peace. You don't really want to talk to anyone and you're in the zone. The acne-wash zone. Scrubbing beads or foaming? Citrus fresh or fragrance-free? So many choices. Will this dry out my skin? Maybe I'll just get one of those face scrubby brush things.
Alright, see that? You are so wrapped up in innocent pondering that you don't notice Creeper walking by you constantly. (Or in back of you while you read this. It's okay, take a look around. I'll wait.)
If you see a person more than once doing pretty much nothing but looking at something in an aisle across from you and isn't really shopping for anything, you have a Creeper. We should all be safe to consider which shampoo smells the best, but cover your butt by doing this first:
Say hello (loudly and quasi-unstably so just about everyone thinks you could be insane and not worth the time) to just about anyone around you.
*Example (To Lurker and be sure not to pause): "AHH! Hey! Got a question for ya. Have you ever tried these Cheez Nip things? I don't believe there is actually cheese in them. What do you think? Cheese, no cheese... arsenic? Allllll my friends on Facebook are posting about chemicals in food these days. It's not good for the kids, you know? Well, it's between what's in the food and birthing stories as main posts. So many people have had such crazy birth stories. Think it will rain? I didn't check the news. I'm so glad to have met you. HEY! GUY WHO WORKS AT TARGET! Come over here I have a question. Don't you think my new friend here looks like someone famous? Who is it? (Let Target worker speak.) That's right! He does look like that guy. Thank you for being such a good listener. Girls really like that in a Creeper."
The object is to be known as a significant presence to those around you and to let them know you are a person, not an object to be all raped and junk.
Whatever you do, be sure to laugh a lot and loudly. Laugh like a maniac. For no reason.
9.) You are often distracted by trying to get into your car in a parking lot.
Everyone makes this mistake. They try to get into their car in the parking lot. Idiots. You are supposed to be looking around like you are smuggling 3 pounds of cocaine in your rear and a police-dog training camp specializing in drug sniffing is taking place on the hood of your car.
Van parked next to you? Go back inside. Everything they say about Serial Killer vans is true. I think.
10.) Be the hunter. Not the hunted.
When you are out doodling around, occasionally think like a rapist/homicidal maniac. It's not that hard to do.
--Stand tall. Most Creepers don't strut around like James Bond, but you can. It helps put you in the mindset. Think of Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
--Look around. Who would be your target? In this exercise, I like to look for potential murderers and what I would hypothetically do to them vigilante-style.
--How would you get your target out of the public and into your van or wooded area in relation to the location you are currently existing in? Yep. that's probably what your stalker would do too.
--What would you do if your target started screaming "RAPE, AHHH I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN"? In this scenario you have a gun and are pushing Victim into your Serial Killer van. Would you shoot them and have witnesses, a mess and no time to clean up DNA evidence? Or would you let that one go without doing anything, thus diminishing your probability of being arrested?
I never understood why anyone would go with anyone else just because they had a gun pointed at them. I would take my chances with gun shots and possible witnesses over Lord knows what is planned if I walked off quietly with Nutball.
{In Conclusion...}
The key is to be as ready as possible if you are in a squirrelly location and/or your gut is telling you something is up. If you can't tell, most of these listings are silly observations pulled from true crime programming meant to be entertaining (and insightful if you can take me seriously). You aren't more likely to get attacked if you keep a diary. Unless you are writing your hopes and dreams in your diary squatted on a curb in the parking lot of the mall at three in the morning.
{Here is Where we Get Serious} Which doesn't happen often.
I am legitimately concerned for the lack of education for our ladies out there who just kinda bumble around and don't think. Believe me, I was one of them from ages 18-25-ish (and even now, we all slip). 4 a.m. jog? Duh. ATM visit at 10 p.m.? Obviously a good idea. Going to Wal-Mart in he middle of the night? I needed that DVD of Bambi before it went back in the Disney Vault. It was an emergency.
No one is 100% safe from falling anvils no matter how in tuned to your surroundings you are or how much you play it safe or even the extent to which you shelter your kids. Being aware can reduce risk. That's all we can do. Watch out for one another-- take care of ourselves. Don't go hide under a rock. Life isn't about being scared. Life is meant to be a humorous adventure. Let's find the funny in the jacked-up world we live in. And as a final warning: whatever you do NEVER be the one who lights up a room with their smile.
{More Crucial Information} Actual life-saving article brought to you by real-life rapists.
http://www.venusbuzz.com/archives/23197/the-caring-project-what-rapists-attackers-look-for-in-women/
Share with your daughters. Share with your friends. Share with Grandma. These are fantastic strategies and wonderful ideas!
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